Monday 19 December 2016

Why is it never easy

So we had the worst storm so far of 2016.  Of course that was accompanied by freezing rain, this made my drive to Olive for my blood test about 90 minutes of driving 40km/h in 4 wheel drive in my jeep Benji.

Once I got there I was in and out in about 5 minutes and then started my 4 year trek home.  I went to work and hoped to get my mind off of the wait.  The wait to have our blood test felt like about a month.  I don't know how people go through this on a repeat basis.   I cannot even imagine going through back to back IVF cycles.  I have thought about this all of the time that we have been waiting. It is all I can think about today while waiting.

So Anna from Olive called, she is the one who I have had call every time to break the bad news that our IUI cycles didn't take.  It is so hard to tell emotion in her voice so I just assumed it was a negative.  Ryan and I actually prepared ourselves for the negative.  We cannot live on false optimism anymore.  We played that game and the letdown was 100 times worse.  Anna told me it was a positive, which I shouted "are you kidding me?!".  Then came the BUT.  Anna told me that it was a positive but very low.  So here I sit googling forums and websites and seeing the stats on this staying.  In the mean time we have another blood test on Wednesday so more waiting.  I still have all of the symptoms that I have had this entire time, which I am hopeful for.


Thursday 8 December 2016

Transfer Date

Today went well, my doctor was the 6th doctor at Olive and now my punch card has been filled.  We were back in the same area that we were in for the egg retrieval.

I got to sport the beautiful teal skirt again and this time I was smart and work socks.  Mind you they were Christmas socks unintentionally as all of my other socks were dirty and I cannot lift my laundry basket and I keep forgetting to ask Ryan about to help me.  I suck at asking for help, which Ryan will attest to.

Anyway back to the transfer.  So no fancy IVs and fentanyl this time.  However I did have a full bladder and couldn't wait to go pee.  So there I go into the procedure room and get on the fancy table.  This time they came in with a clipboard and I had to verify it was embryo.  Then I got to watch on a screen as they sucked it up and brought it in.  In the mean time they had the catheter in my cervix all ready to go.  They inserted the embryo using the ultrasound machine to make sure the embryo was going into the best position.   Once the doctor was done I was so happy to go to the bathroom.  Then I got changed and went back upstairs for my post embryo transfer acupuncture which made me fall asleep so quickly.  Then it was home to rest for 48 hours.  It is funny because we have had friends do the same procedures and they were not told to rest.

I also have to keep on doing the estrace, and endometrin until week 10 should this take.  I also have abstain from sex until we get a negative or until our first ultrasound. For anyone that knows me you will know that I have a high sex drive and this is torture for me.  Ryan and I were so busy/stressed/sick before my transfer so we barely had any intimacy then.  I also cannot wait to get back to barre fitness when I finally get clearance.  Now we have the wait until the 19th for our HCG test.

Thursday 1 December 2016

We Have Our Transfer Date

December 8th I will have our one and final embryo transferred.  Some are referring to it as the golden egg.  I am so excited, but at the same time so nervous.

I am doing everything possible to have this take, obviously you are supposed to dial your stress down but this whole process has been stressful.

I also had a new doctor today.  Dr. Nakhuda.   To date I have had 5 out of the 6 doctors at Olive, I feel like I should have a bingo card and then get a prize if I hit all 6.  They don't know who will be doing my transfer, so there is hope to hit all 6 doctors.  In the mean time I stay on my estrace and then add back in the endometrin suppositories.  Those are my least favourite part of the experience so far (excluding egg retrieval).  They are white tablets that you insert like you would if you had a yeast infection.  They make a huge mess and you just feel icky all of the time.


Wednesday 23 November 2016

Ultrasounds

We had our first Ultrasound today.  Ryan was there, he has made a firm effort in being in town for our appointments.  He knows how hard this is on me, and even though it is his work he is really trying.

My uterine lining is not thick enough, so I have to keep on Estrace for another week but up my dosage.  Currently I was taking it orally 3 times a day, not I get to take it internally inside my vagina twice a day as well.  That is when you take the small blue pill and put it up there with your finger.   The fun of fertility never ends.

My acupuncture has been going well.  It is really the highlight of my week.  I will be opting to do the pre & post embryo transfer one as well.  Anything that can help us at this point.

Estrace seems to mess with my hormones a lot in a weepy kind of way.  Like seeing a toddler at out at the shops with his mum makes me tear up when he does something cute.   I can almost feel the ache in my uterus.  That sounds melodramatic I know, but if you have ever wanted something so bad and have gone through hell to get it then it doesn't at all.

The acupuncture and the exercises that I am going seem to be helping with how depressed and useless that I have been feeling.  Ryan has so much stress and stuff going on with work so I don't want to add this to his load of stuff.  He works so hard and he needs to be able to relax and not hear about my stupid feelings that are mostly hormone induced.  I have never felt like this before fertility treatments and the medication.   I know that being the cause is part of it, but I still feel like this medication is making a little crazy.

Monday 14 November 2016

The Hits Just Keep On Coming

So Olive called today, Ryan is home which is great because we only have 1 healthy embryo.  This is the biggest blow yet.  Obviously when we started this journey we didn't expect this outcome.  I never expected in my life to be 36 and struggling to get pregnant.  Ryan and I are so meant for each other, so why can't we have a baby?!  I used to look at terrible couples in our lives and think that there must be a reason that they cannot have a baby, like it is a sign that they shouldn't.  I highly regret ever having those feeling for other people.  Is this my karma for that?

Someone once said to my best friend and I that her husband and her had no problem having babies since they were meant to be.  I think of that every day, I know that is not a law, or even scientific, but it lingers in my head.  I wish that I had met Ryan when I was 28, and not 33.  Maybe if we had started trying when we were younger it would have worked better. Ryan is going to make such an amazing dad, and it breaks my heart to see him with all of our friend's children.  He is so great with them, and is such a child at heart himself.

This weekend is Richie's surprise party so I have that to distract me, in the mean time I am back on Estrace to prep myself for my transfer.   Once my uterine lining is thick enough we will be good to go.

Wednesday 9 November 2016

Still Waiting

So as we wait and wait some more I have found something new to distract myself with.  I have spent so much time googling infertility and egg quality.  Apparently acupuncture is the way to go.  So after googling and researching places I found Acubalance Wellness Clinic.  I also found that surprise they are completely endorsed and a little associated with Olive.  Why didn't anyone suggest this????!!!!

So today I had my first acupuncture appointment.  It is about 5 minutes from Olive.  I have never been bothered by needles, and obviously if I was I couldn't be at this point.  My acupuncturist is great.  I had to fill out a 9 page questionnaire of my medical/fertility history prior to our appointment so we just went over what I had answered.  Then we did my first treatment.  It is the most relaxing experience.  It is like going to the spa, but way less expensive.

You begin by laying down on a heated bed with heated lamps above you.  Then your amazing acupuncturist puts pins in you and turns down the lights.  You get a lovely scented eye pillow and then there is a very relaxing soundtrack playing in the background.  I don't even remember drifting off and then an hour later Brownwyn came back and woke me up.  I will be going two days a week until my transfer date and then once a week for the first trimester.

At this point it cannot help the egg health of the already ready embryos, but it can help with implementation and the pregnancy resulting in a live birth.  We also discussed my slight depression and I was given a few exercises to do.  Here is hoping that things look up.

Wednesday 2 November 2016

Things Just Keep Getting Better

We have 3 embryos left which have gone off for testing.  We have to wait 7 to 10 business days for our results.  I feel that fertility treatments are so much about waiting.  7 to 10 days feels like the longest time ever.  I am hoping that we get 2 embryos back.  Asking for 3 at this point would seem greedy, so 2 is what I want.

In the mean time Ryan's dad is turning 75 and we are throwing a huge surprise party for him.  That should help take my mind off of this wait.

Tuesday 1 November 2016

One of the Worst Days Yet

Well Dr. Hitkari called today which is our doctor.  We started with Dr. Warraich and then she went on maternity leave so we assigned to Dr. Hitkari.  Dr. Warraich is a great doctor, but I really like Dr. Hitkari better. Anyway so Dr. Hitkari called and not the embryologist, which was a little worrying.  My gut feeling was right, we have 4 embryos left.  We lost 7 in 36 hours.  That kind of drop off is not normal at all and hence why Dr. Hitkari is calling me.

After I started sobbing hysterically on the phone Dr. Hitkari tried to assume me and let me know that it only takes one good embryo.  He also mentioned that this is likely the reason that we are not getting  pregnant as my egg quality is not great.  I am absolutely gutted, and of course Ryan is back out of town.  It is like Ryan was home for almost the whole year and then we started fertility and wham off he goes on his magic carpet.  I am so over all of this out of town work.

I have spent the entire day just going over everything in my head, I am still battling OHSS, and my awesome weird fertility depression that makes me want to stay in bed all day.  Now I get to be the cause of why we cannot get pregnant.  I always assumed that I was the reason, but it was never confirmed.  It sucks to be the reason why, Ryan doesn't look at it that way and he keeps telling me that it doesn't matter who or why the reason is.  That we are in this together and we will get through this.

Then I went further down the rabbit hole and started googling adoption.  How does anyone adopt?  Are you kidding me with this?! There is a clawback period from the birth parent that the child lives with you and they have that time to decide if they want it back.  So you pay $60,000, wait forever to be chosen and then there is the chance that you end up with nothing.  Then you have aged even more and no one is going to chose you then.  So you can go out of country which is always a treat from what I have heard from friends.  Or you can foster and then adopt, but even that is quite cumbersome.

So I here I sit depressed beyond belief trying to figure out what our next steps can be.

Sunday 30 October 2016

How Many Fertilized Eggs Do You Have?

The embryologist called and we still have 11 fertilized eggs that are still rocking.  Apparently 14 of the eggs were too juvenile or not good enough quality to keep going, and two of the fertilized eggs died off a little early.  This is a little disappointing but 11 is still a great number to have.  We have to wait until Tuesday to get another update and then see how many we have still.  Once we hit that stage they go to embryo status and then on Wednesday they freeze what is left, take biopsies and send them off for chromosomal screening.  For those of you about to judge us for using this, at this point we want to implant a healthy embryo and have the best chance at a successful pregnancy.  Waiting to see how many embryos we have is the worst waiting game so far.


Saturday 29 October 2016

OHSS

I have OHSS, that sounds like fun you say.  No, no it is not.  That is what happens when they take out all of the follicles and then it fills back up with fluid and you gain more than 5lbs in a day.  Then you have to monitor your water/gatorade fluid intake and output.  Not to the point of measuring it, but pretty close.  It also means a lot more rest and no tomfoolery.  That seems ok since today Ryan and I are hosting a Halloween Poker Party for 30 people.  Obviously we planned this well before we knew our retrieval date.  I did so much decorating and prep work before the retrieval, and we are ordering a lot of food in.  But it is still a lot of work.  I can barely stand for longer than 30 minutes and I pretty much live with a heating pad on my abdomen and all hoped up on tylenol.  I have terrible cramping, and I have no idea how I am going to lay down with a heating pad on while having a party.

We are doing a Nintendo themed party because we are super cool and have even cooler friends and family.  I know that everyone would have understood if we had of cancelled or postponed the event, but this party was the one thing getting me through this hell that is infertility.


Friday 28 October 2016

Post Egg Retrieval Day

Well we had our egg retrieval done.  I don't think that anything can prepare you for that.  It all started out fun and games.  Ryan went and did his thing in the room, where he spilled soap all over the floor which of course looked ridiculous in that little room.



After Ryan was done we went and sat in the recovery area where I changed into a lovely teal wrap skirt.  I should have worn socks and shoes, but silly me wore slip on shoes.  The nurses at Olive were amazing and gave me some nice booties to put on my freezing bare feet.  Ryan also got a pair to wear over his sneakers.  I had a great team of nurses.  Gerry, Jennifer, and Ruby are amazing.  All of the nurses and support staff at Olive are amazing.

I was given Ativan which I have never had in my life and then they went to do my hand IV.  Since I have the coldest hands known to man, at least Ryan is always saying that they couldn't do the IV in my hands.  I tried running them under cold water and putting them under a heating pad and still they couldn't get a good vein.  So instead they decided to use the vein in my arm where you would normally take blood.

So they stuck the IV in and then about 2 minutes after it was in I felt really weird and I said that I didn't feel well.  That turned into my blood pressure dropping to 70/30 and I felt completely out of control.  I had a ringing in my ears, and felt like I was fading out and that I couldn't stop it.  They reclined my chair and put a cold compress on my head but it still wasn't enough.  They fetched me some arrowroot biscuits.  However in the mean time Ryan got some sort of sympathy pains for what I was going though and they had to take him out of the room as he was all sweaty and ready to pass out.  If this happens during egg retrieval then child birth should be a hoot.

By this point Dr. Yuzpe had come out to see what the delay was as we are now running about 20 minutes behind.  He then turned to Ryan and said "what is his problem?".  One of the nurses started talking about the chance that Ryan won't be able to come into the procedure room if he cannot even handle what had just happened.  At this point that is not even an option.  He has missed so much and there is no way that I am doing this alone.  Ryan assured them that he would be ok in there.  Then they started my fentanyl drip and things seemed to be improving.  My blood pressure was up to 90/50 which is still really low, but my normal blood pressure sits lower than normal.   We waited for my blood pressure to come up a bit more, but time was running out.  Because of when I took my trigger shots (picture below), we needed to get this done.  So into the procedure room we went.




I got onto the procedure table which is like a medical examination table but with bigger stirrups that move a lot more.  They got me into position and then Dr. Yuzpe put some freezing up into my vaginal wall.  Once that fun experience was done and the fentanyl had seemed to kick in then we were good to go.  Dr. Yuzpe inserted the hollow needle into my vaginal wall that sucks all of the follicles out.  Nothing can prepare you for this.  Fentanyl, googling, Ryan holding your hand and stroking your forehead, nothing.  There is so much pain and pressure all at the same time.  To keep myself focused I am laying there counting backwards from 200.  I don't know why but counting backwards has always calmed me down, that and singing the alphabet backwards.  After one of the most painful experiences of my life was over I got to waddle back to recovery where I had to sit until I could go pee....that was painful.


Once that happened I could finally go home where it was time for couch, movies, and resting.  Of course I feel asleep 10 minutes into Dirty Dancing which for some reason Ryan kept watching on his own.  I feel it is his total guilty pleasure movie, and that he practices the moves when I am not around.

They let us know before me left that they got 27 follicles which is great, I am going to miss my little Puregon pen, but I am so glad that this part of the ordeal is over.


Tuesday 25 October 2016

We have our date

We finally have our retrieval date!!  This Thursday!!  Ryan has to be there for 9 to do his thing and then the egg retrieval is at 10:00am.  I am supposed to take a tylenol an hour before to take the edge off.  I am really nervous about the retrieval.  Of course I have read about all of the worst case side effects and what can go wrong.

I have Dr. Yuzpe doing my retrieval which is awesome.  He is one of the "founding fathers" of fertility and I couldn't be in better hands.  I had him for one of my ultrasounds and he reminds me of Columbo.  He is such an old school doctor, with the abrupt sense of saying things.

I will be so glad to get off of all of these injections.  I have my two trigger shots tonight and then that is it.  Hopefully I never have to go through this again.  Here is to hoping to a healthy egg retrieval and lots of embryos.

Saturday 22 October 2016

Still trucking along

Well here we are still doing injections 3 times a day.  Ryan of course has been working away through all of my injections.  He has missed all of my doctors appointments.  At times it feels like I am going through this on my own.  It is not his fault as it's his work, and of course he wants to be here.

At the same time my hormones are running wild, I am so fluid bloated that I can barely fit into any of my pants.  I am like Regina George when she was on her all carb diet.  I am going to appointments about every third day now awaiting the date of my egg retrieval.  I have googled the egg retrieval process so many times.  I am completely psyching myself out.




These are my morning needles.  I like to present them on a fancy plate as it makes me feel better.  The needle on the Orgalutran is a lot thicker than my Menopur one which makes it a lot trickier to do.  The bruising on my tummy isn't making things any easier.

Most days I feel really good and then something just makes my mood change.  I get really sad, I feel like I have mild depression at times.  There are days that make it hard to get out of bed.  I have to push along, but it feels terrible inside.  I have to put on this front of happiness and that everything is fine.  I try not to burden Ryan with all of these hormonal feelings, so instead I blog about it.

Here is hoping that retrieval date comes soon.

Wednesday 19 October 2016

Ten months, not bad...

Hello,

Apparently I am what you call a "Drive By Blogger".  I post randomly, and then post for a bit and then disappear.  I think this might be the time that I keep it up.

Ryan and I have started our fertility journey at Olive, I went for testing that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.  HSG I am looking at you!  I have had more blood tests than an olympic athlete.  I have been poked and prodded all while being told that there is nothing wrong with me.  Take that Dr. Tregoning.

The thing about there being nothing wrong with either of us is very frustrating.  Where is our baby????

Moving on, so after being poked and prodded like some cow at market we started a series of three IUI cycles.  For those of you who are not fertility lingo experts, that is when you take a bunch of meds, then your partner/donor spanks it into a cup.  They "wash" the sample with magical baby dust and then shoot it into you using the cervical catheter that I have come to be on a first name basis with.  As you can imagine to our delight and that of our bank account none of those cycles took.  Unless you count the first one where I had a chemical pregnancy (a pregnancy that happens and then doesn't take).   The highlight of doing those cycles was when I had to drive 5 hours round trip to get Ryan as he was working out of town in the middle of the cycle.  I really thought that was the one that would have taken......

So after meeting back with the doctors we decided that IVF is the route to take.  We had a trip back to Ontario this summer and then drove out to Nova Scotia/Cape Breton for 2 weeks which is really another blog post in itself.  Anyway we agreed that when we got back we would start the IVF treatment.

One of the fun facts about being infertile in BC is that nothing is covered.  In some provinces they cover a few rounds of IVF, not in good ol' BC though.  I am so lucky to have benefits that cover the medication at least.

September 8th was our orientation.  Which I expected almost camp like counsellors with clipboards and fun stations to visit.  That was not the case at all.  We were in a room with a nurse for about 2 1/2 hours, less the time we got to spend with the lovely finance lady.  We had to sign a waiver that was about 25 pages, typical things like you can get this or that.  Ovarian fluid can leak into your lungs, if you break up we destroy your embryos, typical contracts that you sign.  During this magical orientation I also learned how to inject myself with all of the wonder drugs that would soon be in my possession.  I was given a prescription, told I cannot work out once I start the injections, and then the finance lady came in.  I am pretty sure that this woman should sell cars.  The manner in how she went through what was due and when, plus all of the options, we could have driven away in a 2 door coupe.  We chose to do CCS/IVF.  This is where they screen the embryos for extra/missing chromosomes.  We are 36/38 and at this point we might only ever have one child so why not get the best shot at having an embryo that will take.  This by the way costs $14,000 which is due before you start injections.  Regular IVF is $7,800 but go big or go home right?!

I should stop here and say that the staff of Olive are amazing!  Jennifer whom schedules appointments, all of the nurses (Tammy, Ana, Jennifer), and the guy who takes my blood that I have no idea what his name is.  Oh I should also mention here that my Dr. got pregnant during our IUI cycles and is now on maternity leave......that's right.  However all of the Drs. there are amazing.

How we started our IVF cycle was that I had to go for blood tests, once I had my LH surge then I started taking Estradiol twice a day.  During one of my blood tests they decided that my thyroid is low and that I need to start a low dosage of Synthyroid.  I get to wake up at 5:00am to take that as I cannot have had dairy within 4 hours of taking it.  So I take that pill at 5:00am, then I was taking my first Estradiol at 9:00am along with 6 vitamins.  Then at 9:00pm I took my other Estradiol.  This went on until I choked on pills and died, now I am a ghost writing this blog.  Or this went on until I got my period and then started injections.

For those of you who don't know me, which is no one since no one reads this blog.  I am worst case scenario.  I got to start my injections on the day that we had hockey tickets in the evening.  Now it would have been great to have at least one day of injections under my belt, but who needs practice.  Oh and hooray for our orientation being over a month ago and so clearly I remembered all of the steps.

I started my injections at 10:00am on Saturday after I got back from my Barre Fitness class in Port Moody.  Which by the way if you want to get into shape in the best environment ever and have a great group of instructors then go there!!!  My 1st injection is me mixing saline with Menopur powder and sucking it into a syringe and then putting the needle on and pinching my fat tummy and injecting.  I have found that lying down on my back works the best for me at this point.  My 2nd injection (Puregon) needs to be kept refrigerated and you put into a pen and then screw the needle on top and then dial to the amount that you want and press down.  This is not as much fun, but it was a hoot to do in the parking lot of Rogers Arena after the Canucks game on Saturday.  Having a Jeep was a bonus as you are lifted up, but not that lifted.  I feel like people just felt like going on a nice rainy stroll of that parking lot that evening as there were way too many people around in that parking lot.  I felt like I was in the Walking Dead and the Wolves had set a trap.

Today I went for my first blood test.  Apparently my levels are good, so good that I was rewarded with taking a new medication.  So now in the morning I take Menopur in one needle, then Orgalutran in another needle.  Then at night I take Puregon.  I continue this fun until Friday when I have another blood test, and an ultrasound because who doesn't love those.

My tummy is starting to get some nice bruising at this point, so that is nice.  Oh and I forgot to mention that my drugs for about 1/3 of them were $3,600 which luckily was covered by my benefits.

I am not the first person to go through this, especially with the stats as 1 in 6, and I won't be the last.  The reason that I am sharing this journey is because this is way too taboo of a subject.  So what if you need a little help getting pregnant.  There is nothing to be ashamed of.

This is a picture of my Menopur injections.  I will take a picture of the other two and post.


Monday 18 January 2016

2016 is the year, I can feel it.

Remember that time that I started a blog and then abandoned it like a purse puppy?!  2015 was a bleh year.  Not sure if the years just start to go downhill as you get older, but it wasn't that exciting.

This year, 2016, this is the year that it all comes together.  Much like Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin, I can feel that this year things will happen.

My fiancĂ© and I (that's right, last year I just had a boyfriend, and then in July of 2015 he proposed, don't be jealous).  Anyway....so after a lot of tests (not really but it makes the struggle sound more gruelling) we have discovered that we cannot conceive a baby in the natural way.

Last year in May I was referred to a doctor, which ended up being a total nightmare.  Dr. Tregoning if this blog ever reaches you, you should be ashamed of yourself, and probably suspended.  We were referred to him by my family doctor.  It started out ok, with him asking for a semen analysis and a whole bunch of blood work for me.   He was pretty much ready to give my fiancĂ© a trophy for his amazing results, and then let me know that I was the "weak link".  We started the treatment, I was taking Clomid on day 3 of my cycle until day 7.  Then injecting myself, and having ultrasounds.  Oh but wait a second there Witch Doctor Tregoning, didn't you forget a little thing called a HSG test to see if there were any blockages????  No, ok that is cool just shoot me full of drugs without doing all of the pre-screening.  Anyway, it didn't take and I had rather odd side effects that I have never experienced before.  I called into his office to get some answers, it was then that his receptionist (who I'm pretty sure was the female villain in Die Hard 3) told me she didn't have time to answer all of my questions.   Besides the great bedside manner, the fact that I had to pay them $300 cash for my ultrasound seemed legit.  At least they didn't perform it on a picnic table.

Flash forward to now and we are all ready to go.  We are starting treatment at Olive Fertility in Surrey next Monday.  I had to go for more blood work where they took 7 vials of blood, so that is a good start.  I also have to go for that HSG test.  This clinic has been used by a few of my friends, and I am very optimistic about the treatment.

My plan for 2016 is to blog about my experience, as well as other random things.  It is surprising how many people these days seem to be going through fertility treatments not matter their age, sex, weight, or ethnic background.  Here's hoping that 2016 is the year.