One of the Worst Days Yet

Well Dr. Hitkari called today which is our doctor.  We started with Dr. Warraich and then she went on maternity leave so we assigned to Dr. Hitkari.  Dr. Warraich is a great doctor, but I really like Dr. Hitkari better. Anyway so Dr. Hitkari called and not the embryologist, which was a little worrying.  My gut feeling was right, we have 4 embryos left.  We lost 7 in 36 hours.  That kind of drop off is not normal at all and hence why Dr. Hitkari is calling me.

After I started sobbing hysterically on the phone Dr. Hitkari tried to assume me and let me know that it only takes one good embryo.  He also mentioned that this is likely the reason that we are not getting  pregnant as my egg quality is not great.  I am absolutely gutted, and of course Ryan is back out of town.  It is like Ryan was home for almost the whole year and then we started fertility and wham off he goes on his magic carpet.  I am so over all of this out of town work.

I have spent the entire day just going over everything in my head, I am still battling OHSS, and my awesome weird fertility depression that makes me want to stay in bed all day.  Now I get to be the cause of why we cannot get pregnant.  I always assumed that I was the reason, but it was never confirmed.  It sucks to be the reason why, Ryan doesn't look at it that way and he keeps telling me that it doesn't matter who or why the reason is.  That we are in this together and we will get through this.

Then I went further down the rabbit hole and started googling adoption.  How does anyone adopt?  Are you kidding me with this?! There is a clawback period from the birth parent that the child lives with you and they have that time to decide if they want it back.  So you pay $60,000, wait forever to be chosen and then there is the chance that you end up with nothing.  Then you have aged even more and no one is going to chose you then.  So you can go out of country which is always a treat from what I have heard from friends.  Or you can foster and then adopt, but even that is quite cumbersome.

So I here I sit depressed beyond belief trying to figure out what our next steps can be.