Wednesday 23 November 2016

Ultrasounds

We had our first Ultrasound today.  Ryan was there, he has made a firm effort in being in town for our appointments.  He knows how hard this is on me, and even though it is his work he is really trying.

My uterine lining is not thick enough, so I have to keep on Estrace for another week but up my dosage.  Currently I was taking it orally 3 times a day, not I get to take it internally inside my vagina twice a day as well.  That is when you take the small blue pill and put it up there with your finger.   The fun of fertility never ends.

My acupuncture has been going well.  It is really the highlight of my week.  I will be opting to do the pre & post embryo transfer one as well.  Anything that can help us at this point.

Estrace seems to mess with my hormones a lot in a weepy kind of way.  Like seeing a toddler at out at the shops with his mum makes me tear up when he does something cute.   I can almost feel the ache in my uterus.  That sounds melodramatic I know, but if you have ever wanted something so bad and have gone through hell to get it then it doesn't at all.

The acupuncture and the exercises that I am going seem to be helping with how depressed and useless that I have been feeling.  Ryan has so much stress and stuff going on with work so I don't want to add this to his load of stuff.  He works so hard and he needs to be able to relax and not hear about my stupid feelings that are mostly hormone induced.  I have never felt like this before fertility treatments and the medication.   I know that being the cause is part of it, but I still feel like this medication is making a little crazy.

Monday 14 November 2016

The Hits Just Keep On Coming

So Olive called today, Ryan is home which is great because we only have 1 healthy embryo.  This is the biggest blow yet.  Obviously when we started this journey we didn't expect this outcome.  I never expected in my life to be 36 and struggling to get pregnant.  Ryan and I are so meant for each other, so why can't we have a baby?!  I used to look at terrible couples in our lives and think that there must be a reason that they cannot have a baby, like it is a sign that they shouldn't.  I highly regret ever having those feeling for other people.  Is this my karma for that?

Someone once said to my best friend and I that her husband and her had no problem having babies since they were meant to be.  I think of that every day, I know that is not a law, or even scientific, but it lingers in my head.  I wish that I had met Ryan when I was 28, and not 33.  Maybe if we had started trying when we were younger it would have worked better. Ryan is going to make such an amazing dad, and it breaks my heart to see him with all of our friend's children.  He is so great with them, and is such a child at heart himself.

This weekend is Richie's surprise party so I have that to distract me, in the mean time I am back on Estrace to prep myself for my transfer.   Once my uterine lining is thick enough we will be good to go.

Wednesday 9 November 2016

Still Waiting

So as we wait and wait some more I have found something new to distract myself with.  I have spent so much time googling infertility and egg quality.  Apparently acupuncture is the way to go.  So after googling and researching places I found Acubalance Wellness Clinic.  I also found that surprise they are completely endorsed and a little associated with Olive.  Why didn't anyone suggest this????!!!!

So today I had my first acupuncture appointment.  It is about 5 minutes from Olive.  I have never been bothered by needles, and obviously if I was I couldn't be at this point.  My acupuncturist is great.  I had to fill out a 9 page questionnaire of my medical/fertility history prior to our appointment so we just went over what I had answered.  Then we did my first treatment.  It is the most relaxing experience.  It is like going to the spa, but way less expensive.

You begin by laying down on a heated bed with heated lamps above you.  Then your amazing acupuncturist puts pins in you and turns down the lights.  You get a lovely scented eye pillow and then there is a very relaxing soundtrack playing in the background.  I don't even remember drifting off and then an hour later Brownwyn came back and woke me up.  I will be going two days a week until my transfer date and then once a week for the first trimester.

At this point it cannot help the egg health of the already ready embryos, but it can help with implementation and the pregnancy resulting in a live birth.  We also discussed my slight depression and I was given a few exercises to do.  Here is hoping that things look up.

Wednesday 2 November 2016

Things Just Keep Getting Better

We have 3 embryos left which have gone off for testing.  We have to wait 7 to 10 business days for our results.  I feel that fertility treatments are so much about waiting.  7 to 10 days feels like the longest time ever.  I am hoping that we get 2 embryos back.  Asking for 3 at this point would seem greedy, so 2 is what I want.

In the mean time Ryan's dad is turning 75 and we are throwing a huge surprise party for him.  That should help take my mind off of this wait.

Tuesday 1 November 2016

One of the Worst Days Yet

Well Dr. Hitkari called today which is our doctor.  We started with Dr. Warraich and then she went on maternity leave so we assigned to Dr. Hitkari.  Dr. Warraich is a great doctor, but I really like Dr. Hitkari better. Anyway so Dr. Hitkari called and not the embryologist, which was a little worrying.  My gut feeling was right, we have 4 embryos left.  We lost 7 in 36 hours.  That kind of drop off is not normal at all and hence why Dr. Hitkari is calling me.

After I started sobbing hysterically on the phone Dr. Hitkari tried to assume me and let me know that it only takes one good embryo.  He also mentioned that this is likely the reason that we are not getting  pregnant as my egg quality is not great.  I am absolutely gutted, and of course Ryan is back out of town.  It is like Ryan was home for almost the whole year and then we started fertility and wham off he goes on his magic carpet.  I am so over all of this out of town work.

I have spent the entire day just going over everything in my head, I am still battling OHSS, and my awesome weird fertility depression that makes me want to stay in bed all day.  Now I get to be the cause of why we cannot get pregnant.  I always assumed that I was the reason, but it was never confirmed.  It sucks to be the reason why, Ryan doesn't look at it that way and he keeps telling me that it doesn't matter who or why the reason is.  That we are in this together and we will get through this.

Then I went further down the rabbit hole and started googling adoption.  How does anyone adopt?  Are you kidding me with this?! There is a clawback period from the birth parent that the child lives with you and they have that time to decide if they want it back.  So you pay $60,000, wait forever to be chosen and then there is the chance that you end up with nothing.  Then you have aged even more and no one is going to chose you then.  So you can go out of country which is always a treat from what I have heard from friends.  Or you can foster and then adopt, but even that is quite cumbersome.

So I here I sit depressed beyond belief trying to figure out what our next steps can be.