Monday, 19 December 2016

Why is it never easy

So we had the worst storm so far of 2016.  Of course that was accompanied by freezing rain, this made my drive to Olive for my blood test about 90 minutes of driving 40km/h in 4 wheel drive in my jeep Benji.

Once I got there I was in and out in about 5 minutes and then started my 4 year trek home.  I went to work and hoped to get my mind off of the wait.  The wait to have our blood test felt like about a month.  I don't know how people go through this on a repeat basis.   I cannot even imagine going through back to back IVF cycles.  I have thought about this all of the time that we have been waiting. It is all I can think about today while waiting.

So Anna from Olive called, she is the one who I have had call every time to break the bad news that our IUI cycles didn't take.  It is so hard to tell emotion in her voice so I just assumed it was a negative.  Ryan and I actually prepared ourselves for the negative.  We cannot live on false optimism anymore.  We played that game and the letdown was 100 times worse.  Anna told me it was a positive, which I shouted "are you kidding me?!".  Then came the BUT.  Anna told me that it was a positive but very low.  So here I sit googling forums and websites and seeing the stats on this staying.  In the mean time we have another blood test on Wednesday so more waiting.  I still have all of the symptoms that I have had this entire time, which I am hopeful for.

Thursday, 8 December 2016

Transfer Date

Today went well, my doctor was the 6th doctor at Olive and now my punch card has been filled.  We were back in the same area that we were in for the egg retrieval.

I got to sport the beautiful teal skirt again and this time I was smart and work socks.  Mind you they were Christmas socks unintentionally as all of my other socks were dirty and I cannot lift my laundry basket and I keep forgetting to ask Ryan about to help me.  I suck at asking for help, which Ryan will attest to.

Anyway back to the transfer.  So no fancy IVs and fentanyl this time.  However I did have a full bladder and couldn't wait to go pee.  So there I go into the procedure room and get on the fancy table.  This time they came in with a clipboard and I had to verify it was embryo.  Then I got to watch on a screen as they sucked it up and brought it in.  In the mean time they had the catheter in my cervix all ready to go.  They inserted the embryo using the ultrasound machine to make sure the embryo was going into the best position.   Once the doctor was done I was so happy to go to the bathroom.  Then I got changed and went back upstairs for my post embryo transfer acupuncture which made me fall asleep so quickly.  Then it was home to rest for 48 hours.  It is funny because we have had friends do the same procedures and they were not told to rest.

I also have to keep on doing the estrace, and endometrin until week 10 should this take.  I also have abstain from sex until we get a negative or until our first ultrasound. For anyone that knows me you will know that I have a high sex drive and this is torture for me.  Ryan and I were so busy/stressed/sick before my transfer so we barely had any intimacy then.  I also cannot wait to get back to barre fitness when I finally get clearance.  Now we have the wait until the 19th for our HCG test.

Thursday, 1 December 2016

We Have Our Transfer Date

December 8th I will have our one and final embryo transferred.  Some are referring to it as the golden egg.  I am so excited, but at the same time so nervous.

I am doing everything possible to have this take, obviously you are supposed to dial your stress down but this whole process has been stressful.

I also had a new doctor today.  Dr. Nakhuda.   To date I have had 5 out of the 6 doctors at Olive, I feel like I should have a bingo card and then get a prize if I hit all 6.  They don't know who will be doing my transfer, so there is hope to hit all 6 doctors.  In the mean time I stay on my estrace and then add back in the endometrin suppositories.  Those are my least favourite part of the experience so far (excluding egg retrieval).  They are white tablets that you insert like you would if you had a yeast infection.  They make a huge mess and you just feel icky all of the time.

Wednesday, 23 November 2016


We had our first Ultrasound today.  Ryan was there, he has made a firm effort in being in town for our appointments.  He knows how hard this is on me, and even though it is his work he is really trying.

My uterine lining is not thick enough, so I have to keep on Estrace for another week but up my dosage.  Currently I was taking it orally 3 times a day, not I get to take it internally inside my vagina twice a day as well.  That is when you take the small blue pill and put it up there with your finger.   The fun of fertility never ends.

My acupuncture has been going well.  It is really the highlight of my week.  I will be opting to do the pre & post embryo transfer one as well.  Anything that can help us at this point.

Estrace seems to mess with my hormones a lot in a weepy kind of way.  Like seeing a toddler at out at the shops with his mum makes me tear up when he does something cute.   I can almost feel the ache in my uterus.  That sounds melodramatic I know, but if you have ever wanted something so bad and have gone through hell to get it then it doesn't at all.

The acupuncture and the exercises that I am going seem to be helping with how depressed and useless that I have been feeling.  Ryan has so much stress and stuff going on with work so I don't want to add this to his load of stuff.  He works so hard and he needs to be able to relax and not hear about my stupid feelings that are mostly hormone induced.  I have never felt like this before fertility treatments and the medication.   I know that being the cause is part of it, but I still feel like this medication is making a little crazy.

Monday, 14 November 2016

The Hits Just Keep On Coming

So Olive called today, Ryan is home which is great because we only have 1 healthy embryo.  This is the biggest blow yet.  Obviously when we started this journey we didn't expect this outcome.  I never expected in my life to be 36 and struggling to get pregnant.  Ryan and I are so meant for each other, so why can't we have a baby?!  I used to look at terrible couples in our lives and think that there must be a reason that they cannot have a baby, like it is a sign that they shouldn't.  I highly regret ever having those feeling for other people.  Is this my karma for that?

Someone once said to my best friend and I that her husband and her had no problem having babies since they were meant to be.  I think of that every day, I know that is not a law, or even scientific, but it lingers in my head.  I wish that I had met Ryan when I was 28, and not 33.  Maybe if we had started trying when we were younger it would have worked better. Ryan is going to make such an amazing dad, and it breaks my heart to see him with all of our friend's children.  He is so great with them, and is such a child at heart himself.

This weekend is Richie's surprise party so I have that to distract me, in the mean time I am back on Estrace to prep myself for my transfer.   Once my uterine lining is thick enough we will be good to go.

Wednesday, 9 November 2016

Still Waiting

So as we wait and wait some more I have found something new to distract myself with.  I have spent so much time googling infertility and egg quality.  Apparently acupuncture is the way to go.  So after googling and researching places I found Acubalance Wellness Clinic.  I also found that surprise they are completely endorsed and a little associated with Olive.  Why didn't anyone suggest this????!!!!

So today I had my first acupuncture appointment.  It is about 5 minutes from Olive.  I have never been bothered by needles, and obviously if I was I couldn't be at this point.  My acupuncturist is great.  I had to fill out a 9 page questionnaire of my medical/fertility history prior to our appointment so we just went over what I had answered.  Then we did my first treatment.  It is the most relaxing experience.  It is like going to the spa, but way less expensive.

You begin by laying down on a heated bed with heated lamps above you.  Then your amazing acupuncturist puts pins in you and turns down the lights.  You get a lovely scented eye pillow and then there is a very relaxing soundtrack playing in the background.  I don't even remember drifting off and then an hour later Brownwyn came back and woke me up.  I will be going two days a week until my transfer date and then once a week for the first trimester.

At this point it cannot help the egg health of the already ready embryos, but it can help with implementation and the pregnancy resulting in a live birth.  We also discussed my slight depression and I was given a few exercises to do.  Here is hoping that things look up.

Wednesday, 2 November 2016

Things Just Keep Getting Better

We have 3 embryos left which have gone off for testing.  We have to wait 7 to 10 business days for our results.  I feel that fertility treatments are so much about waiting.  7 to 10 days feels like the longest time ever.  I am hoping that we get 2 embryos back.  Asking for 3 at this point would seem greedy, so 2 is what I want.

In the mean time Ryan's dad is turning 75 and we are throwing a huge surprise party for him.  That should help take my mind off of this wait.